Dear Proud Columbia Parent, 

As we approach the end of the academic year, we, the faculty of Columbia University, wanted to update you on recent events on our campus. 

As you know, in our ongoing effort to embrace and promote diversity on our campus, we would never "take a side" on any divisive, political issue that our students may be grappling with. Our dedication to diversity and neutrality has been our guiding focus over the past several weeks. 

You may have seen a few media reports detailing the First Amendment activity on our campus related to the plight of the colonized Palestinians who are facing genocide in their historic homeland. While the righteous and heroic protesters have been fighting for the innocent women, children, and freedom fighters of Gaza, they have faced multiple incidents of harassment and downright defiance from Zionist pigs, who do not adhere to our university's diversity protocols. 

We have, of course, taken certain precautions to ensure the protection of all students and the continued promotion of diversity on campus. These precautions include barring the aforementioned Zionist colonizer-sympathizers from the main campus and any university buildings. This is for their safety and our ongoing struggle for radical diversity. 

Some of you have communicated to us unfounded concerns over the perceived "rights" of these students and faculty members who have aligned themselves with the Zionist entity in Palestine. We want to ensure that we hear you and have taken these concerns, irrational as they may be, into careful consideration. 

You'll be relieved to know that we have established a "safe space" for the students directly affected by our new policy. As of now, pro-Zionist oppressors will be gathered together and kept in a special, fenced-in area just behind the main hall, in the back alley... to ensure their safety. 

Our working name for this safe space is "Bibi-ville". To properly identify the students who are to be assigned to this special, Ivy League-quality enclosed area, we are mandating all Zionist apologists to wear a special badge, identifying them as authorized guests. This six-pointed gold star worn at all times on their shirts will assist with easy entry and identification for our already-over-worked campus security. 

As always, we will take great pains to establish Columbia's famously tolerant diversity protocols within the gates of these segregated students' new "home". 

We wanted to address one other concern we've heard from a small, but vocal group of parents and donors. 

It has been suggested that Columbia leadership would not be tolerant of a similar tent city protest if it were a group of pro-Trump, MAGA hat-wearing, America First supporters engaged in the same illegal and violent behaviors. 

This suggestion is, of course, absurd. That kind of protest would never occur at Columbia University as we go to great pains to screen out any students who have any such sympathies for the Trump-MAGA-fascists. There would never be such a protest because we would never let any students like that in our school. 

After all, we are much too diverse to have anyone like that here. 

We hope this letter settles any issues you may still have and please know that we continue to strive to make Columbia the kind of school you always dreamed it would be when you first learned your child had been accepted: The kind of school you can brag about at cocktail parties and to make your brother-in-law jealous at Thanksgiving because their kid could only get into a state school. 

Thank you for your continued support. 

Best Regards, 

Columbia's Diversity and Tolerance Department

PS: Your tuition payment is due. Please pay promptly... Columbia diversity doesn't come cheap.

To Sir Bob Dadae, Governor General of Paua New Guinea

From {name witheld} US Ambassador to Papua New Guinea

Your Excellency, 

Please accept this letter as my nation's formal apology for the unfortunate statement accidentally misspoken three times (over a relentless 6-hour period) this week by President Joseph Robinette Biden. It was merely a misunderstanding that the president deeply and profoundly regrets. 

He has a stutter, you know? 

When President Biden said his Uncle was shot down and crashed in New Guinea during World War 2 and that his body was never recovered, he did not mean to imply that he had been eaten by residents of your beautiful island nation. Of course, President Biden's gratuitous mention that "there used to be a lot of cannibals in that part of New Guinea" was just a further manifestation of his chronic stutter and was in no way meant to imply that his dear uncle was devoured by your great grandfather.

It will comfort you to know that the insinuation (brought on by his stutter) that his uncle fell victim to New Guinea cannibals was just the least of President Biden's er... misstatements in re-telling the tale of poor, unfortunate Uncle Bosie. 

If you will permit me... 

And when D-Day occurred, the next day, on Monday, all four of my mother’s brothers went down and volunteered to join the military.  And four of them — three of them made it.  One was 4-F — couldn’t go.

We think that, perhaps, President Biden was referring to the attack on Pearl Harbor, not the D-Day invasion of Normandy. It does not make any sense that his four uncles would wait until the June 1944 invasion to enlist.

And, considering Uncle Bosie's plane went down one month before the Normandy invasion, it's logical to assume that his chronic stutter made him say "D-Day" instead of "Pearl Harbor Day."

And Ambrose Finnegan — we called him “Uncle Bosie” — he — he was shot down.  

It turns out the plane carrying the president's brother was "forced to ditch" due to apparent engine failure, it was not shot down. 

He was Army Air Corps before there was an Air Force.  He flew single-engine planes, reconnaissance flights over New Guinea.  He had volunteered because someone couldn’t make it.  

By all accounts, the mission was not a reconnaissance mission but, rather, a courier mission. 

He got shot down in an area where there were a lot of cannibals in New Guinea at the time. They never recovered his body.  

Again... the plane was not shot down. And, to make matters even more uncomfortable for all of us, the plane was ditched in the Pacific, not on the island of New Guinea. So, even if there were "a lot of cannibals in New Guinea at the time" they wouldn't have had the opportunity to roast and devour the president's uncle unless they did some pretty impressive swimming. 

So, to sum up: The president's uncle did not enlist after D-Day, he was not on a reconnaissance mission, he was not shot down, he did not crash on the island of New Guinea and he was most certainly not eaten by cannibals. 

Other than that, the story was completely accurate and any misstatements that may have confused you or the good people of New Guinea should be completely blamed on the president's chronic, persistent, and damnable stutter. 

I hope this clears up any confusion or consternation the fine people of Papua New Guinea may be experiencing at this delicate time. Please, rest assured, the president does not, I repeat does not believe his uncle was eaten by your island's greatest generation. 

In fact, President Biden doesn't even remember what he said earlier this week. To him, it is literally as if it had never happened. He has no memory of it whatsoever. 

With Sincerest Regards, 

{name witheld}

US Ambassador to Papua New Guinea (for now)

PS: For verification of all these facts regarding MIA 2d Lt. Amrose J. Finnegan, please refer to this official record: 2d Lt AMBROSE J. FINNEGAN - Service Member Profile (crmforce.mil)

National Public Radio (NPR) has been exposed as a left-wing, propaganda mouthpiece for Democrats that we've always known it to be. And now, one week after the blockbuster, whistleblower essay exposing their bias and lack of journalistic standards, they've just proven that they not only don't get it, but they're arrogantly phishing the one honest voice in the newsroom: The whistleblower. 

By now you've heard about the great article in The Free Press by Uri Berliner, the veteran financial editor at the tax-funded network, who had had enough of the organization's left-wing bias: 

Back in 2011, although NPR’s audience tilted a bit to the left, it still bore a resemblance to America at large. Twenty-six percent of listeners described themselves as conservative, 23 percent as middle of the road, and 37 percent as liberal.

 

By 2023, the picture was completely different: only 11 percent described themselves as very or somewhat conservative, 21 percent as middle of the road, and 67 percent of listeners said they were very or somewhat liberal. We weren’t just losing conservatives; we were also losing moderates and traditional liberals. 

 

An open-minded spirit no longer exists within NPR, and now, predictably, we don’t have an audience that reflects America. 

It's a great essay and Berliner nails it on many issues. However, he's still a little blinded by the reality of when this all started. Most of us saw the liberal bias for many decades, Berliner thinks it all started with Trump. 

Like many unfortunate things, the rise of advocacy took off with Donald Trump. As in many newsrooms, his election in 2016 was greeted at NPR with a mixture of disbelief, anger, and despair. (Just to note, I eagerly voted against Trump twice but felt we were obliged to cover him fairly.) But what began as tough, straightforward coverage of a belligerent, truth-impaired president veered toward efforts to damage or topple Trump’s presidency. 

 

Persistent rumors that the Trump campaign colluded with Russia over the election became the catnip that drove reporting. At NPR, we hitched our wagon to Trump’s most visible antagonist, Representative Adam Schiff. 

 

Schiff, who was the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, became NPR’s guiding hand, its ever-present muse. By my count, NPR hosts interviewed Schiff 25 times about Trump and Russia. During many of those conversations, Schiff alluded to purported evidence of collusion. The Schiff talking points became the drumbeat of NPR news reports.

 

But when the Mueller report found no credible evidence of collusion, NPR’s coverage was notably sparse. Russiagate quietly faded from our programming. 

If Mr. Berliner is looking for the real tipping point, he might want to check out his network's coverage of the Obama Administration, eight years before Trump was inaugurated. 

You see, it's very simple to see journalistic bias when everyone in your newsroom is lined up to destroy the man you all hate, it's much more subtle when your same colleagues are lined up to support and promote the man you all love and admire. 

NPR's lack of journalistic curiosity or investigative instinct during the Obama presidency was the real point of no return. 

NPR has finally taken decisive action in the wake of Berliner's allegations of bias and journalistic malpractice. NPR decided that something had to change and that heads would roll. Well.. actually, one head would roll. Specifically, Mr. Berliner's head. 

He's been suspended. For telling the truth. 

NPR's own write-up of the entire affair reads more like a subchapter in George Orwell's 1984 than a news report. This tweet from the article's author says it all: 

See that? "As the network grapples with fallout over his essay." 

They're grappling with the fallout, not the actual issues he pointed out. It's all about the fallout. They read the article about their bias and journalistic malfeasance and could only focus on the fallout, not the actual bias and journalistic problems Mr. Berliner highlighted. 

Their response was to suspend the whistleblower and to go into spin mode. 

It would be funny, if we weren't paying for it.